What Not to Wear
by gigundoly
Summary: Kurt simply couldn't coexist with that fashion disaster on wheels any longer. Inspired by Stacy and Clinton, the hosts of his favorite TLC show, he stages a fashion-vention. 2-shot!
1. Before

A/N: This story was inspired by a picture posted on twitter by Cory aka Finn. See it here: http:// twitpic. com/ 10yg36 (close the spaces) I mean, LOOK at that sweater! (Adorable, though, no?)

Then enjoy this silly 2-shot!

* * *

In the end, even Tina, who usually stuck up for Artie whenever she felt the need, had to agree with the others. Artie Abrams needed fashion advice in the worst way. The multi-colored argyle sweater vest he'd worn on Thursday, one he admitted had been a birthday present from his granny, was the most dreadful thing they had seen yet. Kurt later told Mercedes that it made him angry. Mercedes admitted that she'd wanted to slushie him herself just so that he would have to change clothes. Quinn pointed out that just because it's a gift from a grandparent, that doesn't mean you have to wear it to school. All of her grandmother's gifts live in the back of her closet 'til Nana visits the Fabrays.

"He usually wears a belt _and _suspenders," Kurt complained at glee practice on Friday. The group had an opportunity to discuss Artie since he was home sick with a bad allergy attack, according to Tina who had called him that morning to find out why he was missing school. Kurt was the one to suggest that they help Artie with his little "problem" and he wasted no time listing off his reasons. "I mean, if he didn't look twelve years old, you might mistake him for a teacher. He follows their dress code. I only saw him in jeans during our mash-up and during _Push It_. And that was because we told him exactly what to wear. He borrowed _my _jeans. He might not even own jeans. Doesn't look like it."

"I don't know you guys…" Tina bit her lip and stared at her hands in her lap. "I don't want to hurt his feelings. _He _likes the way he looks in his clothes, so what does it matter if they're a little... elderly?"

"Tina, you're completely missing the point of the intervention," Mercedes told her, disdainfully. "_We _have to be the ones to tell him the ugly truth because if we never say anything, he'll go through life with problems much worse than being in a wheelchair. We can help Wheels with this one. And later, he's going to thank us. Just trust me with this one."

"Plus, he wears _sweater vests_," Brittany added, wrinkling her nose. Beside her, Rachel surveyed her own wardrobe, which today consisted of knee socks, a pleated skirt, a collared shirt and... a sweater vest. She blinked in confusion, looking at Brittany with a wounded expression. The blonde Cheerio only looked sorry for a fraction of a second before rolling her eyes.

"I agree that they don't look good on _guys_, but… mine's okay," Rachel defended herself in earnest, looking around for someone to support her. The other girls looked at their nails and twirled their hair, avoiding her eyes. Brittany smacked her gum and blew a gigantic bubble, giving Rachel the _I told you so_ look.

"We only have time for _one_ lost cause this week," Kurt interjected impatiently. "Let's think about what Stacey and Clinton of _What Not To Wear _would do. Would they ever be too afraid to tell someone that they were a walking nightmare of bad fashion… or, in his case, a rolling nightmare? No," he answered his own question, crossing his arms across his chest. "No, they would tell them, and they would fix it."

Tina tried to convince herself that the others were right. Artie could use a few more cool points to his name. If it saved him a visit to the dumpster or a trip to the flagpole, it would be worth it. She told herself this to justify their reasons for doing it. If it was really about helping Artie, as opposed to just fixing his clothes so that the others didn't find him embarrassing, then their reasons were pure and good. She didn't want to see Artie get hurt.

They needed Tina to get into Artie's house because she was the one who knew the garage code. After easily coaxing Tina into the task, the entire club headed over to Artie's. Surprisingly, every single member of their club wanted to participate in the intevention. Tina kind of wished they could limit it to just the friends closest to Artie, but there was nothing she could do about it now. Reluctantly, she punched in the four-digit code and found Artie's garage empty. This meant that only Artie was home.

Upstairs, Artie was enjoying a game of Call of Duty while dressed in his red sweater vest and khakis. After getting an allergy shot earlier that morning, he was feeling much better. When he heard the garage door open, he knew it must be Tina, bringing him his homework assignments for the day. "Hey, Tina!" he called out. The final seconds of the game counted down, and Artie's team had won.

"Hey," she called out, awkwardly. "Uh, I brought... a few people over to see you."

When a few people turned out to be the entire glee club, minus Mr. Schue, Artie raised an eyebrow at Tina. "What's this about?" he wondered, thinking that practice couldn't be so important that they'd all come and make a house call.

"Feeling better, Artie?" asked Kurt. When Artie nodded slowly, Kurt looked satisfied and turned off his TV. "Good. Then you're coming with us. This is a fashion-vention. That's an intervention in fashion."

"Why do I need an intervention in fashion?"

"Oh, look, he _does _own a mirror!" Santana exclaimed, not usually one to hold back. Since Artie was sitting in his wheelchair at the moment, she took a hold of the handles and pushed him towards the full length mirror hanging on his closet door. Artie yelped in protest, not appreciating being pushed by anyone other than Tina. "Artie, are you seeing what _I'm _seeing? _That _is why we need a fashion-vention, ay mí..."

"It couldn't hurt to dress a little more... trendy," Finn added, trying to soften the blow of Santana's frankness. Artie turned to look at Finn in confusion, blatantly showing Finn that he didn't have a clue what he meant by "trendy." Finn sighed, thinking maybe Kurt was right, in a way. They were going to have to be honest with him.

"I don't get it," said Artie. "What's wrong with the clothes I'm wearing now?"

"What _isn't_ wrong with the clothes you're wearing now?" Kurt blurted out, shaking his head in disgust. He stepped up behind Artie in the full-length mirror and launched into the same rant he'd given the rest of the club in Artie's absence. "Okay, I see you've got on suspenders _and _this ridiculous piano keys belt you seem to love so much. Both serve the function of holding up one's pants. Both _could _serve the function of looking fashionable, if worn with the right ensemble. But there is _no _reason _whatsoever_ for a person to wear both suspenders _and _a belt _together."_

"There is if you can't feel your lower body," said Artie, defensively, blushing when he caught a look from Tina. "I'd just like to be sure that I've got my pants on at all times, that's all. What's so wrong with that?"

"Buy better fitting pants!" Kurt countered, not going for the sob story at all. "And while we're on the topic of pants, I think some of the teachers at McKinley want to know where you get your dockers, Artie. You see, they only get to wear jeans to school on special occassions, per their dress code. Meanwhile, you look as though you think the teachers' dress code applies to you. What's up with _that_?"

"It should apply to students," Artie said, fervently. "All of these ripped jeans, backwards hats, poor-fitting clothes, it's too much. How do you expect the teachers to take us seriously if we don't look like we take school seriously? My dad says it's important to look professional at school, as though you were headed to a job interview. So... I take his advice."

"But it's just advice?" Tina asked. "Your dad doesn't... doesn't _make _you dress like that?"

Artie looked up at Tina, aghast. He could hardly believe that she was part of this, and now, even she was criticizing his clothing. "No, he doesn't _make _me," he began, slowly. "Are you saying you don't like the way I look, Tee?"

Before Tina could answer, Mercedes answered for her. "She just thinks you could look_ better_," she assured Artie, kneeling down beside his chair to study him. "And I agree. I actually _do _like this little shaggy Beatles 'do you've got going on, plus the glasses. I think we could have you looking adorably emo by the time we're finished. If you'll let us."

Artie hesistated for a split second, but the idea still didn't appeal to him. "No."

"Then you've left us no choice," said Kurt, calmly. "Brittany, the rope, please."

Before Artie could ask what the rope was for, they were tying his hands together. Artie yelled at them, protesting that it was wrong on so many levels for them to tie his hands. "You're essentially turning me into a quadriplegic!" he complained loudly, considering spitting in their faces.

"It's for your own good," said Kurt, darkly. "Come on. Let's take him to the mall. He'll thank us later for this."


	2. After

When they arrived at the mall, Artie bluntly stated that he had to go to the bathroom. "And since you've rendered me completely helpless, which one of you lucky dudes gets to hold my penis?" He didn't even care that Brittany and Santana were sitting in the car with him. Kurt, who certainly wasn't going to volunteer, agreed that they would find him a bathroom and untie his hands so that he could take care of his own business.

"How generous of you," Artie mumbled, as they parked in a handicapped space. "You know you don't have a window hanger for that, right? So it's still illegal. How is a cop supposed to know I'm with you?"

"Got it covered," Finn, their driver, announced proudly. He whipped out the window hanger and stuck it on the window for all to see. Finn turned to grin at Artie, who was stuck riding rather miserably between Brittany and Santana. "I borrowed this from my Nana while I was pretending to be in a wheelchair so I could keep my job. Nana can't drive anymore so she doesn't really need it."

"I hope you don't use that all the time," Artie retorted, taking a nasty tone with Finn. Artie figured Finn deserved it just as much as the rest of them, and he continued this pattern of making sarcastic comebacks and snarky comments all the way across the parking lot until finally, Puck told him he would be wearing a slushie every single day next week if he didn't cool it already.

They took Artie straight to a bathroom, as requested, and untied his hands. They had been getting funny looks from people, walking through the mall pushing a kid in a wheelchair while his hands were currently tied together. "Let's not tie him up again," Kurt suggested, as they watched him disappear into the men's room. "There might be laws against that, particularly for the handicapped."

"You think?" Tina put her hands on her hips, staring at Kurt in disgust. If he had known Kurt was going to take things this far, she never would have gone along with it. She wondered how she was ever going to get Artie to forgive her for this. Kurt turned away from her and asked Finn if he thought Artie looked good in ripped jeans, like the ones he'd worn when they sang _Crazy in Love. _Finn stated rather frankly that he had no idea how to answer a question like that.

When Artie returned from the bathroom, he tried to make a break for it. He had rolled himself out behind the cover of a very fat man who was leaving the restroom at the same time. But suddenly, the man turned and walked in a different direction, leaving Artie exposed. When he made eye contact with Santana, Artie doubled his speed and began pushing himself frantically through the mall, nearly knocking over several people who got in his way.

"GET HIM!" Santana screeched.

And there was no way Artie could outwheel the rest of them when they all came running after him. Puck was the first one to catch up with Artie, yanking him to a hault by his handles. Artie yelped in protest, but Puck plastered a hand over his mouth. "MMMFFFF!" Artie furrowed his brow in disgust, narrowing his eyes at Puck. Tina jogged up behind them and surprised everyone, including herself, by shoving Puck off of Artie.

"If everyone here could treat Artie with a little more respect," she began, looking at them all accusingly and causing Artie to fall silent as well. "Then I think he would be more agreeable and realize that we're all just trying to do him a little favor. We've pooled our money together, Artie. We just want to buy you a few new outfits, try out a new look on you. Would that be okay with you?"

"Well, if you'd just said that from the beginning," Artie replied, rolling his eyes. "Then sure."

"See?" Tina told Kurt. "I told you so."

* * *

"Whoa, is that you, Artie?" Mr. Schuester stepped in front of Artie as he took his usual spot in during glee practice.

Artie blushed and stared at his (new) shoes, still not used to all the attention he was getting. He'd gotten comments from girls all day, and a female teacher had actually stopped in the middle of teaching a class to step out in the hall and compliment Artie on his clothes. He'd never known that clothes could have such power, and if he were the type to enjoy that sort of attention, he would have liked it.

"It's me, Mr. Schue," said Artie, reminding himself that he couldn't roll his eyes at a teacher. "My friends kidnapped me for a makeover yesterday. We went to the mall, they took me in a zillion stores and this is the result."

Artie only wore clothes because there were laws that said you had to. And since you had to wear clothes, Artie always figured it was important to look his best. True, most of that came from his father's influence and the theory of always dressing as though you were on your way to an interview. And personally, _he _never thought Kurt was that great at wearing his clothes. He never could figure out why you would wear a scarf when it wasn't particularly cold outside. But then, Kurt didn't get Artie's reasons for wearing belts and suspenders.

Today, Kurt's best efforts (with lots of input from Mercedes and Tina) had resulted in Artie dressed in a dark blue v-neck shirt that "brought out his eyes," dark denim designer jeans that were frayed at the bottom with one or two deliberately-placed holes at the thighs, and black-and-white Pumas. The most interesting thing about this outfit was that Kurt had allowed Artie to wear suspenders, a pair of skinny black ones. He informed Artie that suspenders would work, if worn for their decorative appeal rather than holding up ones pants. And naturally, Artie was _not _allowed a belt with this ensemble.

"Lookin' great," Mr. Schuester praised him.

But that was the end of the attention as, to Artie's relief, Mr. Schue went back to discussing their latest project, a mash-up of the girls singing _These Boots Are Made for Walking _intertwined with the boys doing _500 Miles._ Artie and Finn sang the lead harmonies for the boys' song, and Artie enjoyed the artistic irony of singing about walking while sitting in a wheelchair. (As one would predict, Rachel was totally at a loss.)

When practice dismissed, Artie found himself cornered by Tina, who blocked the door. They were the only ones left in the room. She had a rather crazy look in her eye, and before Artie could ask what that was about, she'd leaned over his chair, her hair falling all over his face. Grabbing his face, she gave him a deep and passionate kiss. He could only reciprocate in surprise, allowing her to take the lead.

Drawing back, Tina straightened up and swept her hair black with one hand, looking flushed. "I just love you seeing you in blue," she gushed, giggling as she made this confession. She'd been staring Artie down, waiting for a moment alone with him all day. "You need to wear _that shirt _everyday. Let's go back to the mall later and buy you seven of them."

Artie grinned. "Only if you'll kidnap me again and tie my hands," he said, deviously. He wasn't sure what brought out the horny teenager in him all of the sudden. Maybe clothes were good for more than just warmth and modesty afterall. "Just _you_ this time. Don't bring our friends."

Tina's eyes danced with mischief as she agreed. "It's a date." She planted another kiss on him before turning on her heels and marching out, leaving Artie sitting in the choir room, still trying to catch his breath. He might have to swear off sweater vests and khakis altogether if it meant he could have this kind of response from Tina on a daily basis.

"Well, where's my thanks?" asked Kurt, startling Artie as he slipped back into the room. He'd been standing by the door the entire time to make certain that his makeover was a huge success. When he overheard Tina's reaction, Kurt knew that Artie couldn't deny the success of the makeover now.

Artie was still touching his lips, looking a bit dazed. He surveyed his outfit again, trying to figure out what had made the difference. He wore blue all the time, but Tina never commented on it until now. "Th-thanks?" Artie stammered.

"Oh, the pleasure was all mine," Kurt countered. "She's right, you know. Blue _does_ bring out your eyes, but I disagree with the idea of wearing the same blue t-shirt every day. That would be very cartoon character of you. No, you want to use fashion as your weapon. Until now, _you've _been the victim. But that's all changed, my friend. Now that you know what not to wear."

* * *

A/N: In all honestly, I would hate it if Artie suddenly dressed "cool" all the time. He's Artie and those goofy sweater vests and suspenders are part of his charm. We don't know if the show will ever feature a storyline where Artie gets a makeover. I would imagine that if they do, it'll be like Rachel's makeover. She went back to her old style when Finn didn't go for it.

But that's why this story was just a stand-alone, two-parter. I hope you enjoyed it!

- gigundoly


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